A bad love story
Right of the bat by reading just the title you might have got a completely different idea about the nature of this post rather than what it’s really going to say.
Some of you might have guessed very accurately about where this post is heading, even so I will ask you to continue reading further and tell me was it a refreshing read.
Some part of the story is narrated in a first person perspective, bear with me.
Let’s begin the story.
My first phase with you
Even though I might have touched you the very first time somewhere in the middle of 2011 could be July, august, I do not remember the time precisely however I do know that we got into a serious relationship somewhere around the end of 2011.
It was at the mid of 2011 when the times were merry and college was there for namesake. I remember being out with friends most of the times. My friends at that time were kind of a little acquainted with you, but it does not mean you were friends with them.
Still the acquaintance was enough for them to invite you with us to a day out on a hill station in my home town. The weather was cloudy, hearts carefree and I was enjoying the new found freedom of life that came with college.
When 4 of my friends were socializing with you, I was pretty curious myself. I asked one of my friends to introduce me to you, it was a really short one, along with a remark “Just do it man, don’t think so much.”
I went ahead exchanged a word or two, It was alright nothing special and we moved on with the rest of the day, with no further conversation until finally October 2011 came by.
Majority of my traveler friends were back into their country, the constant on the road lifestyle had ended and suddenly I found myself in the mundane of every day things and college. It’s the last thing a Young man of 19 would like to do with his life. “Mundane and college.”
Me and one of my friends who is in the picture were bored out of wits during those days, we often found each other reminiscing about the last few months, it’s because it was us two who were together constantly at that time. Exams were approaching and we decided to go about preparing for it and plan something fun after they got over.
I remember I just gave my last paper, my same friend came to pick me up and we were just standing at the gate of my college brainstorming about what to do next and now. I refused to move from that place until and unless we finalize a plan of action for the day. I was just wondering what new experience could I take, what uncharted territory I can explore and what will bring about excitement back in my life.
To be honest you were not the first thing that came to my mind, I won’t feel ashamed to say that you were just a sidekick plan back then, I told my friend, let’s go and meet her, let’s see how it turns out. He was like “are you serious man? don’t blame me later on if something goes wrong, alright?”
I said I take full responsibility. Just take me there.
The second encounter was a little tickle, it did not feel much but it was really something else, I enjoyed my encounter with her with a cup of tea. The third time it happened, me and my friend were doing some work going around the city, I saw you, I told him “Hey man, stop. stop. stop. I wanna go and speak with her.” He said “for real? now?” I said “Yes, common now.”
That third time was electrifying, I felt the kick, I could barely keep my balance and I could only say one thing to my friend, “Dude this feels unreal, I never knew it felt like this.” he was like “What? you thought this was some kind of joke?”
So this liking grew into love, a strange love, a I don’t want to do this to a why not let’s do this everyday thing. It was strange yet very exhilarating. Some unknown sense of newness and adventure, Why was it so is a big question.
Now that I am writing this, I am wondering why was it a new adventure in the first place, even though it meant nothing at all. It was just the coming of age and experimenting with the world.
You were with me during my great days my sad days. You were there during my success and you were there during my failure. We came together during happiness and not gloom but whatever time brought our way we stood together strong.
You were there in my silence, you were there with my thought. You were there when I dreamed and you were there when I woke up. It was a remarkable partnership. We danced together, we sang together. This was some other level of intimacy. It was the best time of life in all the forms. Friends, family and you, even my dog. Just too great.
My second Phase with you
I found myself having deep discussions with you. About life, about its philosophy and my dreams. The music felt more dramatic with you and the words had more meaning.
Thousands of emotions associated with you. Thousands of conversations ignited by you and you became such a major part of my life that giving you up was giving up all that.
Your presence meant friendship, your presence meant memories are ever green and your presence meant life is always as good as it was before.
I found myself coming back to you often when I felt like relieving certain emotions, I always felt like every conversation was so much better with you. The tea tasted so much sweeter, the cold felt home and the rains always became a cause for a celebration. Summer was a little tough but we managed together with savory fruit juices.
Giving you up was giving all that away. First question that might come to your mind as the reader is “Why would I want to give up something so amazing?”
First of all I have had great freedom at home, I never had to hide anything from my family, I was allowed to do anything and everything. This was the first thing I had no guts to admit at home. There was no pride. There was no shame either, but as pride was absent it remained a secret.
Second I noticed, I stopped paying attention to my fitness and other interests. I stopped doing anything else which I enjoyed, the only thing I wanted was you.
Third I did notice you becoming a gateway to many other compromises I made along the way. I do not blame you one bit about it, It was I who could not handle the allure of being around you.
I shifted to a different city.
I had not made up my mind. But I sure had some determination in me to change my life completely from this point on. I thought a different city will mean I can stay away from you.
However the need of you increased ever so. Like I said above being with you meant everything, things like comfort, familiarity, excitement and friendship.
The pull increased ever so, I felt hopeless and dependent on you. My will power had declined and along with it my fitness and grit. Instead of a new life this was a completely unknown terrain.
This bursts of joy and hopelessness continued in turns till the end of 2013. Somewhere in between we had bouts of breakups and patch ups.
I saw you never supported me in any of my personal endeavours, you were a constant hurdle, you never encouraged me to do anything right, it was all about you all the time.
I could no longer bear our connection. I decided to change my life to a life of purpose once and for all. Even though we felt great together it wasn’t beneficial one bit. It represented nothing but weakness.
At the beginning of 2014 I came across Bodybuilding.com, I started an intense fitness routine made by Greg plitt. Completely cutting off all my contact with you.
1 Year rolled by and I was in fantastic shape and health. I felt tremendously positive about life. I had finally given up on something which was draining me from within one day at a time. Something that made me dependent on it like air for survival. Something which was necessary for keeping my mood in check.
Here I was now healthy, Confident, strong and determined that I will achieve great things in future from now on in all the aspects of my life.
It was perfect I had found my path. I was 22, It was nothing very serious it was all about living a great life, However I always made sure that I lived a responsible life. Getting back to it felt great.
I was on a path that I could proudly walk on and won’t mind people following me on the same.
My third phase with you
My third phase with you began after a demanding industrial training which was paired with a irreversible unsolvable problem at home.
The situation in my life was faltered on so many levels. I never was a weak kid or person to begin with but this was on some other level. Coupled with no rest and too much work, I just decided to go back to her for some relaxation before I dive into action once again. In the direction of my goals.
That once became twice, the twice became thrice and eventually 2015 came about. 2015 was the single most bad year in my life followed by the end of 14.
This year was remarkably disappointing on so many levels. Now mind you I did not go back to a bad relationship because I needed support, I just decided to get in contact for a little while and get back to work again. But it was my folly to have forgotten the vice grip of it.
2015 was spent into sheer indulgence. Incomparable indulgence, probably a few people go through such a time.
Now I was still continuing with all my life goals religiously, I was very hardworking. This was a habit I had built up from 2014. It isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, or ever. I am just so established into that mindset now. However giving up on her became a hardship. Became a struggle and it was constantly on my mind because I knew it was limiting my progress on so many levels.
All this extreme indulgence continued till the May of 2016. It toned down a bit by July. However the relation continued till the very start of May 2017.
It took me 2 whole long years to quit again what I had given up 2 years before. Out of the 5 years of relationship with Cigarettes I had a total break of about 2 years. It meant I quit for 2 years in-between. The longest Stretch I ever had until today was 10 months in a row of smoke free life.
Lets not speak about it morally but health and mind wise, It’s a disaster.
I never intended to go back to it after 2014 but certain things happened and it pulled me back in. I was committed to not continuing it, so I kept trying to give it up. I am a bodybuilding enthusiasts what progress I could have made by being clean in 4 years would surely been have more If I had stayed that way.
15 and 16 brought a havoc physically. From super fit to fat again. Sure there are other problems around this but its not a good enough reason to continue on an unhealthy path in life.
So after trying for the first 4 months of this year 2017, I was finally able to kick the habit for good on May 1. It was a perfect day to do so. Monday first day of the week, 1 first date of the month haha.
This article was going to be a short Facebook post, However I thought medium will be great place to experiment with such a topic and celebrate my quitting and keep it busy and distracted from the demons of past. I would also like to offer you some insight into how to quit any addiction in life.
Here are 7 ways you can quit any addiction:
- An addiction replaces a passion in your life. Remember it and replace addiction with it.
- Its a try, try but don’t cry process. You might fail today but it does not mean you should give up. Just try again tomorrow, eventually you will succeed.
- Start any fitness routine. Go for a run if you will. Don’t wait to quit to get fit. Just start getting fit and you will have more energy and will to quit.
- Develop a certain sense of stubbornness. Just avoid doing it as much as possible.
- Understand it’s bondage. ask Important questions like, is it food? water? or air? that you need it everyday, a lot of times. No. Right? Its a grave situation isn’t it you becoming dependent on something so much for survival.
- Learn to deal with your emotions on your own. Find out your emotional triggers, times when you indulge and learn to deal with it in a sober condition. Cigarettes might not make you high but I have started to think it still has some psychological effect on you. Like irritation when deprived of nicotine.
- Understand it’s overall impact on your life. Do not claim your inability to quit as your freedom of choice and expression. Denial and justification are the worst factors that prevent anyone from quitting.
Conclusion
Acceptance is the key to freedom. If you never admit that you have become an addict, you will never understand it’s bad effects and never attempt to live a clean life. Balance is the key not indulgence.
Do expect to get a follow up blog on this in a few months. I have started my fitness routine again. I have kicked the habit for good and have put the final nail in the coffin, the kind of unfit I felt, I have decided never again.
This will never happen again. I feel so relieved to have finally kicked the habit for good successfully because this time around the pull was even stronger and my will power was a little weak, so this is a mighty feat this time around.
I was feeling controlled. Now I feel free again.
Secondly a bad love story has finally ended. It indeed gave me some great memories in life but it created equal amount of side effects.
I think clearing the slot I have given opportunity for a good love story to blossom.
I will be starting 1 new venture every month from May to August. I am deeply excited about it, I am developing 1 new skill every month from May to August and I think this year is going to be a great year of possibilities. Therefore I do not want to carry any old debris from my past life. I want to start fresh and start strong.
Everything in life is the same, even in real relationships. You clear out the old damaging substance and make space for a new beautiful possibility.
